had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
