HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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