Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
