don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
