I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
