Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
