Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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