just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
