Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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