I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
