everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
