I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
