1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Plan B is the new Plan A
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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