3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
