did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
