I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
