I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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