fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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