when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
