Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.