He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
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The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
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And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.