Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.