Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
