Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
