and you said cock pushups were impossible
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
