Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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