Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
