Can i not drive my cunt home
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
