Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
