The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
