My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
