My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
