ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
