I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
