just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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