happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
