Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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