wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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