i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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