Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
