you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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