Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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