3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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