I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
