The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
