I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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