The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Randomize
