Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
