Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
