Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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