mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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