I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize