Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
