So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
