Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
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He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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