So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
