well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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